You're Not Alone

 

I've been a loner since I was a young child.  That's one thing.

I suffered through periods of loneliness up until I was about 30.  Once Tina and I got married, she pretty much cured that. That's another thing, a different thing.

I have experienced the sensation of being alone at times for the past 20 years or so.  So that's a thing different from the first two, and the thing I want to discuss. Perhaps the three things are tied together, I don't know. 

It was been very apparent to me that various people who have influenced me tended to pull me off the beaten path of life.  When it was happening, I was fully aware of it, yet I embraced the influence they were having, because it felt right. 

Those people challenged me to reconsider views I had taken on simply because people around me who I respected held those views. 

As time went on, I became more comfortable in taking some positions I would not have previously taken.

Gradually I found that I was becoming less and less mainstream. That's when the sensation of being alone began. That's when the battle to make the best of it began.

I had two choices - 1) Conform to some ideas that everything within me didn't want to conform to, or  2) Find a way to move on and hold the positions I felt strongly about without alienating people.

There was a caveat to choice #2. It would be a lonely path.  The feeling of being alone would rear it's head periodically. It would be brutal at times. That came with the territory.

Fortunately, as I mentioned at the beginning, I have two things going for me.  I'm still a loner, and I still have the love and support of my wife.  Apart from those, I am not sure what would have become of me.

Once in a while, while experiencing that sensation of being alone, I am reminded that that is in fact a lie.  I am NOT.  I'll write something, and a random person will make an encouraging comment, and let me know that they too may be experiencing that sensation of being alone.

It's that kind of interaction that makes this entire lonely path worth every second.  I know, in that moment, that I connected with just one person, and perhaps eased their own feeling of being alone.

You, my friend, whoever you are, you are not alone. 

 

49 Winchester - Leavin' This Holler

I don't recall how I stumbled onto this song, but I listened to it repeatedly all week.

Somehow, I think it expresses some feelings I've had. No idea exactly how it specifically applies to me, but the concept of yearning for freedom rings loud. 

 

  

Well, I can feel it changin' in every moment, every hour

Lives start rearranging, and the sweet things all turned sour
Tried to take one for the team and stick around
Try to make things what they should be
But I can't, not in this town

 

So I'm leaving this holler
Leaving the heartache
And I'm leavin' the way things used to be
I will not be returning
My spirit is still yearning
For a chance at being happy, Lord, and free

 

And those chains they use to bind me
I'll break 'em off and find me a lover who will never let me down
Well, a brand-new start and a clean-washed heart 

And I'll be good to go
Well, they say that you can't keep a good man down
I'm skippin' town

 

Well, I hate to waste my time here
I ain't got but so much left
I'm tired of running from the question
When the answer is the test
And I thought it would be easy
Let the chips fall how they will
Oh, I know that I got love to give
But I ain't got time to kill

 

So I'm leaving this holler
Leaving the heartache
And I'm leavin' the way things used to be
I will not be returning
My spirit is still yearning
For a chance at being happy, Lord, and free

 

And those chains they use to bind me
I'll break 'em off and find me a lover who will never let me down
Oh, a brand-new start and a clean-washed heart
And I'll be good to go
Well, they say that you can't keep a good man down
I'm skippin' town

 

So I'm leaving this holler (leaving)
Leaving the heartache
And I'm leavin' the way things used to be (used to be)
I will not be returning (return)
My spirit is still yearning
For a chance at being happy, Lord, and free (free)

 

And those chains they use to bind me (chains, I'll break)
I'll break 'em off and find me a lover who will never let me down (let me down)
Oh, a brand-new start and a clean-washed heart
And I'll be good to go
Well, they say that you can't keep a good man down (good man down)
I'm skippin' town

Bias, Anger, and Depression, Oh My

 

Where to start…

Let’s just get to the point.  I have tended throughout my life to get depressed.  After a lifetime of doing that and analyzing it, I’ve concluded I don’t suffer from “depression” in the clinical sense.  It’s just a tendency of mine. It’s not debilitating. I can go about my daily work (which in fact can easily snap me out of a depressed mood.)

My getting depressed is directly linked to my view of the world around me, whether it be my immediate world, or the world in general.

To be completely honest, I think my being depressed is simply a response to things not going my way.

Things aren’t going my way on the National Front.

It’s depressing.

Other people deal with things not going their way in a different way.  One of those ways is to become angry.  I see a lot of that. It’s not that I never get angry, but I tend to try to stamp down my anger because it doesn’t feel productive. I could be wrong.  Maybe I should be a more angry person, and that would make me better.

When I say anger isn’t productive for me, I mean that anger tends to steal the whole stage when it presents itself.  When anger comes, it’s like a movie scene with Clint Eastwood standing in a dusty street in the hot sun, squinting his eyes with a cigar in his mouth.

After pushing Clint out of the scene, I often try to view what is happening in an objective way. This is where the problems start.

I can’t be very objective. There, I said it.

Too much has happened already that has probably caused physical wires to connect in my brain which lead me to see things in an nonobjective way.

This phenomenon is not unique.  YOU can’t be objective either.  Just, please, admit it.

We see what we want.  We see what those we align ourselves with tell us we are seeing.

It’s frightening.  I’ve never been this frightened about the potential issues that could emerge from this place we find ourselves in.

I remember thinking a few years ago about this situation.  I spoke of it as something coming in the future. I couldn’t picture exactly how it would play out.  It’s playing out.

Tire of me if you must.  I have always known my intensity is off-putting to many. I accepted that years ago. I’d rather you unfollow me here than hate me.

Is there any hope at all? I suppose it depends on your definition of hope. 

Are we going to learn to view situations with less bias?  The short answer is probably, for the most part, absolutely not. 

What about our national anger issue?  Can we do anything about that? I suppose that depends on whether we want to or not.  Anger has become a righteous thing. The more, the better. With that thinking, there IS no hope for a dampening of the anger.

So here we are, a nation of biased people, full of righteous anger.

What could possibly go wrong?